JONATHAN CORMUR: Hello Dork Squad. I'm Jonathan Cormur and you're listening to Dorktales Storytime, the podcast for kids and their pop culture-loving grown-ups.
THEME SONG: It's a beautiful day for a story, adventure and glory, new friends and old ones too. It's an excellent day to get swept away in a tail, so let us regale you.
(The sound of waves and seagulls calling overhead)
EDGARRR MATEY: Ahoy, me hearties!
REDGE: Ahoy!
EM: Avast, ye! Behold the salty sea before us and the stormy skies above. Tis’ the perfect day for a treasure hunt out here in the briny deep.
JONATHAN: Aye, aye Captain!
EM: Tell me maties, Jonathan and Reginald, arrrre ye ready to hunt…for treasure?
REDGE: Aye, aye Captain!
EM: Even if the seas be ragin’?
JONATHAN: Aye, aye Captain!
EM: And the storms be callin’?
REDGE: (Getting more and more carried away) Aye, aye! All hands on deck! Hoist the sails! Batten down the hatches!
EM: That’s the spirit me boy!!
REDGE: Swab the poop deck! Scuttle that scuttlebutt!
JONATHAN: Aye… I can’t even see Edgarrr…can you see Edgarrr, Redge?
REDGE: He’s up there! In his crow’s nest! Here, look through this spyglass I brought just for this occasion.
JONATHAN: Oh I see him now! Hello, Captain Edgarrr Matey!
EM: Arggggghhhh.
REDGE: Isn’t it convenient that pirate ships have a crow’s nest for Captain Matey? Who is a crow?
JONATHAN: Well you’re right about Captain Matey being a crow.
REDGE: And a captain!
JONATHAN: But a crow's nest is actually a lookout point at the top of the ship's mast.
REDGE: Is it? Wonderful!
JONATHAN: You seem very excited to spend the week at sea, Redge.
REDGE: Not just out at sea, but on a hunt for treasure, Jonathan! I’M MORE EXCITED THAN I CAN PROPERLY EXPRESS. As you can see, I’ve worn my snazziest pirate outfit for the occasion!
JONATHAN: I like the compass!
REDGE: Why thank you!
EM: Land, ho!
JONATHAN: Blimey!
REDGE: Captain Matey! Have we arrived at our destination?
EM: Any minute now, me lads! Allow me to join ye on the deck.
JONATHAN: I can’t believe we’re getting so close to finding REAL treasure!
REDGE: Bags of gems!
JONATHAN: A chest filled with gold doubloons!
REDGE: Capes made from the finest fabrics! And emerald-covered swords!
JONATHAN: Yes! Yes!
EM: Ahhh, what glorious booty it will be!
REDGE: (Giggles)
JONATHAN: Redge. Booty is what pirates call treasure!
REDGE: (Giggles some more) Booty.
JONATHAN: Well we’ve lost him for a second. Before we hit land, can you tell us the story of the sunken treasure again, Captain Matey? So we can be extra prepared for the adventure that lies ahead.
EM: Ah yes…it would be me pleasure. Ahem.
Beware of the tale of one Swashbuckle Joe
Who sailed ‘cross the ocean where none else would go
He gathered such riches, the finest in town
Gold and doubloons and big jewels by the pound
But he loved the treasure far more than his crew
Far more than his life of adventuring too
So when he retired from seafaring bliss
The most precious treasure he found he had missed
Yo, ho, yo ho
Now ye land lubbers know
The tale of ol’ Swashbuckle Joe
REDGE: Bravo!
JONATHAN: Wow…did you hear that Redge??
EM: I know…it be quite the story…
REDGE: Oh I heard it! HE GATHERED THE FINEST RICHES YOU’VE EVER SEEN!
EM: Errrr…well yes but…
JONATHAN: Gold
REDGE: Doubloons-
JONATHAN: And jewels-
REDGE/JONATHAN: By the pound!
EM: It be true, me hearties, but alas…
REDGE: Alas, we’ve delayed too long! We should disembark and go find the lost treasure of…Swashbuckle Joe!
JONATHAN: Mwahaha!!
EM: We shall see, mateys. We shall see….RIGHT THEN. Let’s away!
(The sound of a raucous, bustling restaurant)
REDGE: This place is AWESOME!
JONATHAN: Look at all these pirates!
REDGE: I love the decor in here - nets hanging across the ceiling, the portraits of great pirate captains–
JONATHAN: (As if he’s reading) Captain Beatrice Buckaneer, Captain Lily Cutless, Captain C. Shell…
REDGE: I’m starstruck!
JONATHAN: Is that a jukebox that only plays sea shanties? AND a live band?
EM: You arrrre corrrrect, Jonathan! Here be a gathering place for all the seafaring folk of the land of Once Upon a Time. This is where we be having grand meals and even grander conversation, and cheers to life on the water. Arrgghhh! This be…Davey Jones’ Diner!
VARIOUS PIRATES: Argghhh!
EM: Now, I’ve heard tell that the map to Swashbuckle Joe’s treasure is hidden within one of the menus.
JONATHAN: Hmmm…but how will we find it? We can’t just steal everyone’s menus while they’re ordering breakfast.
REDGE: Wait! I think I’ve got an idea!
EM: Shiver me timbers! What is it Reginald?
REDGE: Jonathan, can you please lift me on top of the counter over here?
JONATHAN: Uh…are you sure about this Redge?
REDGE: Quickly, Jonathan!
JONATHAN: Alright, up you go!
REDGE: Ahem! Avast me maties. Tis’ I, Reginald T. Hedgehog, and I just sailed in from the treacherous waters of the Biograsea to bring you some astounding entertainment. Allow me to join this band for a song worthy of the most fearsome and fabulous pirates in town! Just going to grab this small accordion here…
JONATHAN: Redge…do you…even play the accordion?
REDGE: I suppose we’ll find out!
JONATHAN: Captain Matey…we better start sneaking around and looking for the map!
EM: Aye, aye!
REDGE: And a one! And a two! And a here we go!!
(Shanty song plays)
REDGE: That was exhilarating!!
JONATHAN: Redge! You’re so good!
REDGE: Why thank you, I’m just as surprised as you are. A pirate spirit just came over me!
JONATHAN: I’ll say!
REDGE: Did it work? Did you find the map?
EM: Arrggghhhh! I’ve found this menu that’s for the young pirates and look….if you take your crayons and color these three sections you can see…
JONATHAN: A map! And there’s an X in this strange landform over here!
REDGE: Do you recognize this place, Captain Edgarrr?
EM: Aye! This looks like…The Plot Hook.
JONATHAN: Sounds intriguing!
EM: I’ve heard many a tall tale about The Plot Hook…a place where many pirates fear to go, but where unexpected treasures are buried beneath the sand…
REDGE: Why do pirates fear The Plot Hook?
EM: Legends say…The Plot Hook is haunted!
REDGE/JONATHAN: Haunted?!
EM: With the ghosts of retired pirate captains…
JONATHAN: Like Swashbuckle Joe!
REDGE: Oh his treasure MUST be there! Let’s go quickly!!
(The sound of the ocean waves)
JONATHAN: Wow.
REDGE: Wow.
EM: (Reverently) Arrghhhh…
JONATHAN: The Plot Hook is…
REDGE: Gorgeous!
JONATHAN: The water is shining like a big blue sapphire!
EM: Look at those tall cliffs and soaring birds!
REDGE: And these tide pools…so many small creatures and colors!
EM: Hmmm…all of this is very treasure-like…don’t you think?
JONATHAN: Oh…I mean… we still need to look for the doubloons!
REDGE: And the jewels by the pound!
BARNIECLE: Psst. Hey. Lookin’ for Swashbuckle Joe’s treasure are ya?
REDGE: Who said that?
BARNIECLE: Down here! In the tide pool. Name’s Barniecle. I’m the pink barnacle on the rock to the left. No, my left! Over here.
JONATHAN: Hello Barnie!
REDGE: Nice to meet you! We ARE in fact looking for Swashbuckle Joe’s treasure. Can you point us in the correct direction?
BARNIECLE: There’s a small cave to the west on The Plot Hook…most folks miss it or if they do find it, they find it too spooky to go inside. But I’ve heard rumors from other friends who wash into our pools that there’s definitely something hidden inside the cave.
JONATHAN: That sounds promising!
BARNIECLE: They’ve also been hearing the sound of some distant singing…deep in the cave…but I don’t know if I believe it…
EM: Sounds scary. And potentially dangerous.
REDGE: And like the PERFECT place for treasure! Thank you for the tip, Barnie!
BARNIECLE: Hey, it’s my pleasure. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
JONATHAN: Let’s away to the cave!
EM: Wonderful to meet you, Barnie!
BARNIECLE: See ya later! I mean, as long as you come visit me…I’m kinda stuck here.
REDGE: Bye, Barnie!
(The sound of an echoey, cave with dripping water)
JONATHAN: Ok Barnie was right…this is pretty spooky.
REDGE: And dark…
(Distant ghostly pirate sounds)
EM: And we’re not alone!
JONATHAN: Wh-who is that??
REDGE: Only one way to find out! Deeper into the cave we go…
JONATHAN: Ri-right behind you, Redge…
JOE: ARRRRGGGHHH!
JONATHAN/REDGE/EM: AAARRRGGGH!
EM: It be the ghost of Swashbuckle Joe!
JOE: Who darrres enter the resting place of Captain Swashbuckle Joe?
REDGE: Well…I’m Redginald T. Hedgehog and this is Jonathan and our Captain, Edgarrr Matey. And we’re here…
JOE: WHAT PIRATE BE TRULY BRAVE ENOUGH TO BREAK INTO MY CAVE? Let me guess…yer wantin’ to steal me treasure?
JONATHAN: I don’t know if we want to steal persay…
JOE: Arrggghh! Greedy men tell no tales!
JONATHAN: We just thought-
REDGE: It was just that…
JOE: Yar har har! I’m just joking pals. All are welcome into Swashbuckle Joe’s Cozy Cove!
REDGE: What’s that?
JOE: It’s my secret cove in the back of this cave where I spend time with me ghostly crew! We sing! We dance! Sometimes we go on hikes along the cliffs of The Plot Hook! We have potlucks. We play bingo!
JONATHAN: Wow!
REDGE: Do you also…guard a vast treasure?
JOE: What do you mean? Of COURSE I DO! What self-respecting ghost pirate wouldn’t?
JONATHAN: This is it Redge!!
REDGE: Here we go!!
JOE: Voila!
(The sound of a few pirates singing or shouting)
REDGE: But… I don’t see any big treasure chests overflowing with gold…I just see many pirate ghosts singing and dancing!
JOE: Aye! This time with my crew IS the treasure!
EM: Aye, aye!
REDGE: I see…
JOE: Come on in, mates, and let’s join together in song!
REDGE: I mean…you don’t have to twist my arm for a good group sing-along!
JOE: Aye, you must be a true pirate my friend! Yar har har har!
REDGE: Well…that was quite fun I must admit!
JONATHAN: It was a blast! Singing and dancing with pirate ghosts? What could be better?
REDGE: But I thought for SURE we were going to uncover a great lost treasure.
JONATHAN: (Sighs) Me too Redge.
REDGE: What a disappointment.
EM: Do not hang the jib me hearties! Turn those frowns upside down! Arrre you forgetting the TRUE lesson of Swashbuckle Joe’s tale?
JONATHAN: He found so much amazing treasure!
REDGE: Gold and doubloons and big jewels by the pound!
EM: And?
JONATHAN: AND….he… forgot to appreciate the crew that helped him get there…
REDGE: And how much fun they had along the way…
JONATHAN: And all the beautiful sights he saw…
EM: That’s right, me hearties.
JONATHAN: You know, Redge…we may not have found a chest overflowing with jewels…but we did find a lot of treasure today.
REDGE: Remember when we went to THE hotspot for pirates on the coast?? Davey Jones’ Diner?
JONATHAN: And Redge used his cleverness so we could find the secret map hidden among the menus! Redge, that will always be one of my favorite memories from our adventures.
REDGE: It will definitely go down in our friendship’s history! And did you see how I played that accordion?!
JONATHAN: I was floored!
EM: Then we saw the stunning Plot Hook.
JONATHAN: You’re right, Captain. That place could certainly be classified as a treasure.
REDGE: And we met a new friend named Barnie.
JONATHAN: Also let’s not forget…we met the ghost of an infamous pirate!! A real ghost! And danced with his ghostly crew!
REDGE: Thanks for reminding us what really matters, Captain Matey.
EM: There be nothing wrong with wanting a nice thing every now and again, so long as you don’t lose sight of where your true heart lies!
REDGE: Here, here!
JONATHAN: We’ll always appreciate the great people and places-
REDGE: and hedgehogs!
JONATHAN: And hedgehogs that surround us every day!
EM: Now…would ye hearties like to hear another shanty from old Edgarrr Matey as we sail back home?
JONATHAN: Yes please!!
EM: Alrighty. Ahem.
Have you heard tell of a treasure at sea
One of great value to these pirates three
It’s not shiny doubloons or even real gold
Just time spent on daring adventures untold
It’s memories made and friendship oaths sworn
And bonds that will weather the fiercest of storms
So that is their secret for all to now know
The lesson we learned from the tale of ol’ Joe
Yo ho, yo ho
Go on and hoist the sails
And write your own pirate tales!
JONATHAN CORMUR: This is a Jonincharacter production. This story was written and produced by Molly Murphy and performed by Jonathan Cormur. Sound recording and production by Jermaine Hamilton at Hamilton Studios. Reach out to us on Instagram or email us at dorktalesstorytime@gmail.com. Find links in the show notes or go to dorktalesstorytime.com.
Now, go be the hero of your own story and we’ll see you next once-upon-a-time!
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