JONATHAN CORMUR: Hello Dork Squad. I'm Jonathan Cormur and you're listening to Dorktales Storytime, the podcast for kids and their pop culture-loving grown-ups.
THEME SONG: It's a beautiful day for a story, adventure and glory, new friends and old ones too. It's an excellent day to get swept away in a tail, so let us regale you.
JONATHAN: …And although she was never seen again, hikers in these hills sometimes claim they hear her faint voice, calling out, over and over, for her stolen, thrice-roasted beans…
(he uses a traditional ghostly inflection)
BeeeaaaaAAANNss!
A shriek! More laughter.
STEPHON: A perfect campfire story, Jonathan!
(The campfire sound fades)
JONATHAN: Why thank you, Stephon.
GABBY: Yes! Sorry I keep shrieking! (She shrieks again) It runs in my family. Us geese just can’t handle a scary story…I love ‘em but I (slight shriek) shriek every time! (She shrieks again)
JONATHAN: Haha! I don’t mind, Gabby Goose. Thank you Stork Squad for inviting me to tell scary stories! The perfect way to celebrate Halloween. Great idea Heron Stone!
HERON: Thanks, Jonathan. It’s our favorite All Hallows Eve tradition. The best kind of scary fun!
JONATHAN: Mwahahaha! Agreed!
HERON: Too bad Redge couldn’t make it.
STEPHON: Who?
HERON: Jonathan’s friend Redge.
JONATHAN: Mhhmm, I’m not really sure what was up with him. He said he had “very important documents to consider and attend to”...not totally sure what that means. But he sends his best wishes!
GABBY: Ah! What a shame—I’ve heard of that Redge so many times from creatures here in the woods. Everyone loves him, but we’ve never met!
JONATHAN: That’s unusual! I always feel like Redge knows everyone.
STEPHON: Well ANYWAY, the fire’s still roaring and the moon is still full…
JONATHAN: Awoooooo!!
GABBY: (Shrieks) That’s the spirit!
STEPHON: Yes! So hows about we have another story! It’s MY TURN!
HERON: Oooh I really enjoy it when you tell stories, Stephon!
GABBY: (excited shriek) Yes! It’s STEPHON’S TURN!
STEPHON: This spooky tale is sure to ruffle your feathers and haunt your very dreams …BECAUSE THIS ONE REALLY HAPPENED.
JONATHAN: In real life?
STEPHON: Yes! AND IT HAPPENED TO US!
The group giggles and oohs and ahhs.
(Putting on a spooky storyteller voice) It was a night just like tonight! Gabby Goose, Heron Stone, and I, Stephon S. Stork, decided to land by Lumen Lagoon.
JONATHAN: Oh where the jellyfish family lives?
STEPHEN: You know the Lumens?
JONATHAN: I love the Lumens!
STEPHON: Awesome! (Goes back into spooky storytelling voice) We heard tell of some spooky sounds coming from the deep, dark, murky depths…
(A sound to indicate going back in time to the story, that transitions to sounds of hooting owls and water moving in a pond)
GABBY: I don’t know Heron…
HERON: Come on Gabby! We gotta move fast!
STEPHON: And be sneaky!
HERON: Let’s tiptoe around this corner…and await the sounds…
(Cartoon tiptoe sound effect - can you find something different than the classic Flintstones FX since we’ve used that a couple times before.)
GABBY: Do we really (quiet shriek) want to find out what those noises are? I mean what if it’s…it’s…a dangerous mythical water beast!
HERON: Or….what if it’s a big magical unicorn?
STEPHON: Or a fiery phoenix that’s bright as the sun?!
GABBY: (Quiet shriek) I don’t think they would live in a lagoon…
STEPHON: But we have to find out for sure!
HERON: Let’s get just a little closer to the lagoon…
STEPHON: I agree! We can camouflage ourselves!
HERON: Cover ourselves with twigs and rocks!
GABBY: We better go quick!
(Repeat the cartoon tiptoe sound effect)
STEPHON: Now…we just have to remain very quiet…
GABBY: (As if she’s trying not to shriek) Mmhhmm…
HERON: The quietest of quiet…
GABBY: (As if she’s trying even harder not to shriek) Mmmmmhmmmm…
STEPHON: Gabby.
GABBY: Mmm?
HERON: Don’t do it Gabby…
GABBY: (Trying even harder not to shriek) Mmmmm…
(The sudden croak of a frog)
GABBY: SHRIEK!
STEPHON: Shh!!
HERON: Don’t worry Gabby! It’s just that frog!
STEPHON: I think it’s Dr. Robbit Frobbles!
HERON: Doc! Hey Doc!
STEPHON: He’s not turning around…
GABBY: No he’s…hopping away!
HERON: In a hurry!
STEPHON: B-b-but what is he…running from?
Spooky creature of the black lagoon type music
GOOP HOG: Sluuuuuurp squish. Sluuuuuurp squish. Sluuuuuurp squish.
GABBY: (A quiet shriek) What’s…what’s that…
GABBY: Something is coming closer…
GOOP HOG: Sluuuuuurp squish.
STEPHON: And closer…
GOOP HOG: SLURP SQUISH!
GABBY: What-
STEPHON: Who?
HERON: How?
GOOP HOG: AAUHGHUUUAHG!!
Spooky music fades out
STEPHON/HERON/GABBY: AHH!
STEPHON: My eyes! My eyes!
HERON: Everybody….FLY!!
(The same sound that indicated we were going back in time, this time transitioning to sounds of the campfire)
STEPHON: As the sound got closer, we instantly tried to fly away!
JONATHAN: But wait! What did you see?
STEPHON: It was slimy, gooey, oozing algae–
HERON: It had a big lumpy back and sharp teeth in it’s mouth as it growled–
GOOP HOG: AUUGHHUGHUGH!
GABBY: And…it was covered in a bunch of… QUILLS!
JONATHAN: (gasps) Gills?!
(Campfire sounds fade)
STEPHON: Quills! All pointy and sharp sticking up through all that goop! Terrifying!
HERON: Like some kind of massive sea urchin with fangs!
STEPHON: And, like I said, the three of us were ready to fly off, but the creature lunged at us! Waving its arms! Tentacles? Who knows!
GABBY: It sounded like… (Bad impression of the Goop Hog) AUUUUGHHHHuhuhuh!
HERON: It sounded more like a malfunctioning motor…(another bad impression) “UHUHUHUHUH”
STEPHON: Ah! You’re both misremembering, it shouted:
GOOP HOG: FEEEEEEEEEEEEED ME!
JONATHAN: That’s terrifying!
STEPHON: And that’s when the creature LUNGED, with its deranged, hungry groan before we could take off! We were trapped with…with…
GABBY: THE GOOP HOG FROM THE LUMEN LAGOON!
HERON: It was horrifying! Howling and gurgling, lurching about moaning!
JONATHAN: How did you get away?
STEPHON: Well I was the bravest of us all…
(Another transition sound to go back in time to the story)
GABBY: What are we going to do?
STEPHON: I’m going to flap my wings really big to distract this beast. (Jonathan improvises some ‘unhand us! Back away terrifying creature!)
HERON: He’s still coming…uh…uh…LA LALALALAAA!!
STEPHON: Heron…are you singing?
HERON: (Heron sings this whole line) Yes Stephon! I’m singing!! And look!! Your dance and my song are confusing him!!
GABBY: And now that he’s distracted, I’m gonna do….THIS! HIYAH!!
(The cartoon tripping sound)
GABBY: I tripped him! He’s face down in the mud! WOOHOO! WE DID IT!
HERON: LA LALALALAA…uh…I think we should stop observing and start flying!!
STEPHON: OH RIGHT! Let’s go!
(One last transition sound to the campfire sound)
STEPHON: Then Gabby, Heron, and I flew to safety. Safe from…THE GOOP HOG OF THE LUMEN LAGOON. But sometimes…I still here his disgruntled sounds coming from the depths of the woods…
GOOP HOG: AUUGGGUHGUHG.
JONATHAN: Uh….wait…
GABBY: Shriek!
HERON: Ok Stephon…that was creepy timing!
STEPHON: I swear I didn’t plan that!
JONATHAN: Should-should we run?
HERON: Get ready to fly friends!
REDGE: UGGGGGGHHHHH!!
JONATHAN: Wait…I actually recognized that one.
REDGE: UGGGGHH!! YOU’VE GOT IT ALL WRONG!
The Stork Squad gasps.
JONATHAN: Redge!
GABBY: Um. Who are YOU?
JONATHAN: Er, Gabby Goose, Stephon Stork, Heron Stone, it’s just my friend Reginald T. Hedgehog! He’s great! And not scary at all!
REDGE: Thank you Jonathan. I AM great.
GABBY: Sorry we were just telling scary stories…so we got a little spooked!
JONATHAN: I’m glad you decided to come, but is everything ok?
REDGE: I-I-I just wanted to assert that—erm—(he blurts) YOUR STORY IS FACTUALLY INACCURATE AND IT’S! IT’S! MEAN!
The Stork Squad gasps again.
REDGE: YOU HEARD ME! I WAS HAVING A VERY BAD DAY.
JONATHAN: What do you mean…you were having a bad day?
REDGE: It is I, Reginald, who was the mysterious Goop Hog of the Lumen Lake!
JONATHAN: What do you mean, Redge? Would you mind telling your side of the story?
REDGE: Certainly, Jonathan, I thought you’d never ask.
I’ve actually told you this story once before. Remember? When I came to you after having that supremely disappointing day?
JONATHAN: Oh yeah! I remember.
REDGE: So. MY version of the story goes like this: I was relaxing and enjoying an evening by the Lumen Lagoon, playing card games, with Dr. Robbit Frobbles…
GABBY: I knew it was him!
REDGE: Suddenly Dr. Robbit looked at his watch and realized he was late for picking up his tadpoles from swimming lessons, so he hopped off.
STEPHON: So that’s why he was in a hurry!
HERON: Yeah! He wasn’t scared—he was worried!
REDGE: Precisely…When you landed, I got so excited seeing the famous Stork Squad in the lagoon! I wanted to extend an invitation for you all to join me at DragonCon.
GABBY: EEK! DragonCon!? We would have loved to have joined you!
REDGE: However before I could approach you, I stood up too quickly, caught my toe on a root, and tripped into a biiiig pile of algae and scum. KEEERRRSplash!
STEPHON: That explains the noises.
REDGE: But I wanted to clarify that point too. I wasn’t hungry moaning or monster groaning. My toe throbbed AND I was disappointed. So I went: AUUUUUUUGHHHHHH! OH NOoooo!
HERON: Yeah, okay that makes wayyy more sense.
REDGE: I came up dripping, sopping, and cold. So I shivered, “OWWWWEEEEEEE!”
STEPHON: And that must’ve been when you lunged.
REDGE: Yes. Because my foot was stuck in some lagoon scum! Pulling it out took all my might and once it was free, I fell forward! My arm must’ve swung out to break my fall. I wasn’t reaching for you at all! You said I looked like some creature from some spooky lagoon. But, clearly, I’m just a normal, simple–
JONATHAN: Normal and simple?
REDGE: Fine! Fabulous, dramatic, and thoughtful hedgehog!
GABBY: Oh darn. We were way off.
REDGE: The only detail you all got was about my quills.
But you danced and sang and tripped me again! You didn’t even try to see who I was after you
STEPHON: Erm…
REDGE: You squawked something particularly rude…and the scariest part of the story that you SEEMED to have left out is that when you realized I wasn’t a threat, you looked down, and with a snide grin you said
STEPHON: I’m too cool for this pool. (embarrassed tone) Oh yeah, I did say that, didn’t I?
REDGE: Hmmph. And then you all flew off!
JONATHAN: Wow, now I really remember! You were bummed about that, Redge. Inconsolable.
REDGE: It took a minute before I realized it wasn’t my fault. Jonathan reminded me I needed to have compassion for myself, especially when I’m clumsy.
JONATHAN: You all made a big impact on Redge before even getting to know him.
REDGE: This is why I didn’t come to your party on time, Heron…I was NERVOUS…when I first got the invitation, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to come to this spooky campfire at all. But I’m no monster…I’ve even brought s’mores supplies as a show of good faith.
JONATHAN: Gabby, Stephon, Heron, don’t you think your reaction to muddy Redge was a little much? You judged him on his looks before you even got to know his character—he was trying to be nice!
STEPHON: Wow. Yeah. I’m so sorry, Reginald.
GABBY: Yeah, any chance we could have a “re-do”? We may have, just like my shrieks (she shrieks) Ah! Lept to conclusions.
HERON: Yeah, we should have given you more of a chance.
REDGE: Thank you, Stork Squad. I appreciate it.
STEPHON: Fresh start?
REDGE: Fresh start.
JONATHAN: Ooooh, I love it when people share their feelings and find common ground. In fact, you all just avoided the SCARIEST thing any creature could encounter around a campfire at night…
REDGE: What?! A monster?
JONATHAN: NO! A MISUNDERSTANDING! BooooOOOOOOOOO!
REDGE/GABBY/STEPHON/HERON: Hahaha! Jonathan! It’s true!
GOOP HOG: (Off in the distance) AUUUHGUHGHUUHGUHG!
REDGE: Huh….well…that’s interesting…
REDGE: Maybe we haven’t seen the real Goop Hog of the Lumen Lagoon…yet…
Another distant moan from the Goop Hog.
JONATHAN CORMUR: This has been a Jonincharacter production. Today’s story was written by Amy Thompson, edited by Molly Murphy and performed by Jonathan Cormur. Sound recording and production by Jermaine Hamilton at Hamilton Studios. Reach out to us on Instagram or email us at dorktalesstorytime@gmail.com. Find links in the show notes or go to dorktalesstorytime.com. Now, go be the hero of your own story and we’ll see you next once-upon-a-time!
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