JONATHAN CORMUR: Hello Dork Squad. I'm Jonathan Cormur and you're listening to Dorktales Storytime, the podcast for kids and their pop culture-loving grown-ups.
THEME SONG: It's a beautiful day for a story, adventure and glory, new friends and old ones too. It's an excellent day to get swept away in a tail, so let us regale you.
A commotion. We hear Redge shouting and a strained voice we’ve yet to meet. The sounds of a scuffle fill the air.
REDGE: No! No I will not! HELP!
WIZARD: You can’t back out of an agreement!
REDGE: You bet I can! Just watch me!
WIZARD: Give me those quills!
REDGE: I’ll do no such thing, you foul ghoul! Stay away from me!
WIZARD: Quilsssssss!
REDGE: No sir! Help! Heeeeeelp!
JONATHAN: REDGE?!
REDGE: Oh! Thank goodness it’s you, Jonathan!
WIZARD: Thank DARKNESSSSSS!
(A beat)
REDGE: No. Thank goodness, it’s my friend Jonathan.
WIZARD: I’M not your friend!
REDGE: Exactly.
JONATHAN: Right. Redge is saying he’s glad I’m here.
WIZARD: …What?
JONATHAN: I’m Jonathan.
WIZARD: No. I am.
REDGE: This is weird, Jonathan.
JONATHAN/WIZARD: I’ll say.
REDGE: Jonathan, do something!
WIZARD/JONATHAN: I am!
JONATHAN: Wait, what?
WIZARD: You just said my name.
REDGE: I did?
WIZARD: Yes. You keep saying my name.
REDGE: Jonathan.
WIZARD: Exactly.
JONATHAN: But that’s MY name.
WIZARD: Spell it.
JONATHAN: Huh?
REDGE: Just do what he says, mate. He’s a W-I-Z-A-R-D.
JONATHAN: A WIZARD?!
WIZARD: Yes, yes, I’m a horrible and unhelpful dark magic sorcerer who lives in the Foreshadow. Now quit stalling and spell your name! Or I’ll turn you both into lint.
JONATHAN: Um, I spell my name J-O-N-A-T-H-A-N.
WIZARD: That’s how I spell my name. And how do you pronounce it?
REDGE: Jonathan.
JONATHAN: Yes, Jonathan.
WIZARD: Oh I see. No, that’s not my name. I spell it the same way, but my name is pronounced “JONAH-THAN.” Way off. Sorry. I must’ve misheard you.
REDGE: I’ll say.
WIZARD: QUIET YOU! I still want your quills!
JONATHAN: Look….er, Jonah-than, seeing as how this is a really awkward turn of events…
WIZARD: GASP! You’re right. This awkwardness shouldn’t get all over the quills, it’ll spoil the spells. You’re off the hook this time, Redge. But don’t EVER summon me without my price AGAIN, or it’ll be lint for all of you!
He cackles and his laughter fades with a “poof” sound.
REDGE: Wow. He’s gone.
JONATHAN: That was…odd.
REDGE: I’ll say. Why lint?
JONATHAN: THAT’S the least disturbing part of that entire exchange, Redge, what happened? How did you summon Jonah-than here from the Foreshadow?
REDGE: Oh, Jonathan, it turned out to be a HORRIBLE day, but it was supposed to be so special.
JONATHAN: Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. Tell me about it.
REDGE: Well, you know how I like to listen to music and text my friends on my aPhone? And you know how obsessed I am with Acorn products? Well the newest model of the aPhone was set to drop today. But, unbeknownst to me, I turned my alarm off in my sleep this morning—you know how it goes—and I slept through the early start time to secure my spot in line for the new model. By the time I got to the Acorn store, all the new aPhones were sold out! And they won’t be getting a new batch for six months! My life is ruined!
JONATHAN: But…how did the wizard come into the picture?
REDGE: Oh you know, I have that mystical old phonebook that I found in that cave…
JONATHAN: I did not know that, no.
REDGE: Well I do.
JONATHAN: Redge, and I can’t believe I have to say this but, NEVER trust an old mystical phonebook that you found in a cave!
REDGE: It glows. Sometimes I’m pretty sure it moves into different positions throughout my home at night.
JONATHAN: That’s NOT a good thing, Redge.
REDGE: Well it hasn’t hurt anybody! …that we know of!
JONATHAN: Redge! You just came THIS CLOSE to losing all your quills!
REDGE: It wasn’t the mystical phonebook’s fault!
JONATHAN: But…you got Jonah-than’s number from the phonebook!
REDGE: Well as much as I don’t want to lose all my quills, I’d rather shiver for the rest of my life than miss out on the latest Acorn product!
JONATHAN: Redge, I think you should come with me.
REDGE: What? Where are we going?
JONATHAN: You’ll see!
We hear their footsteps as they walk.
REDGE: But Jonathan, the Acorn Store is that way!
JONATHAN: I know.
REDGE: But Jonathan! There’s nothing here! Nobody brings technology to the lake! This is preposterous.
JONATHAN: You’re right, Redge. Tech and water don’t often mix…but it’s not what I’m bringing you to, it’s who…
REDGE: WHOM?!
JONATHAN: You’ll see!
REDGE: Ugh! Jonathan! I really don’t have the patience for this. Not after the day I’ve had.
JONATHAN: Come on.
REDGE: But it’s been a horrible day, I’m in a bad mood, I may have to get rid of my mystical phonebook, I just—WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!
JONATHAN: What?
REDGE: T-th-th-tha-tha-that’s…
JONATHAN: That’s my friend. Here, let’s go talk to him.
REDGE: No wait!
JONATHAN: Nonsense, come on!
BEEVE: Oh! Jonathan! So good to see you!
JONATHAN: Beeve! It’s been too long! I’d like you to meet my friend, Reginald.
BEEVE: Reginald! Very nice to meet you.
REDGE: Y-y-y-y-you-you’re…
BEEVE: Beeve Hogs. In the flesh.
REDGE: Oh my goodness! Jonathan, do you know who this is?
JONATHAN: I do. This pig is my friend, and former swimming instructor, Beeve Hogs. Oh and he also happens to be the CEO and founder of Acorn…
BEEVE: That’s right!
JONATHAN: Beeve, I know you’re not at work right now, but do you mind if we ask you a few professional questions? Redge has had a very upsetting day, and I think you may have some insights that could help him out.
BEEVE: Of course! Go right ahead. I’ll do anything for one of my favorite students. How’s your backstroke coming?
JONATHAN: Still weird! But I think that’s just how the backstroke is!
BEEVE: Very true, Jonathan.
JONATHAN: So Beeve, not to put you on the spot even more, but Redge is one of your biggest fans. He’s never missed a new Acorn product launch, but, unfortunately, he overslept today.
BEEVE: Ah, so you didn’t get in line in time for the new model, huh?
REDGE: I’m sad to say you are correct, Mr. Hogs.
BEEVE: Please, call me Beeve.
REDGE: Okay, Beeve.
BEEVE: Well, beyond missing the aPhone release, what seems to be the problem?
JONATHAN: That’s just the thing, Beeve. Because Redge was so overwhelmingly disappointed upon missing out on the aPhone, he summoned a dark wizard from the Foreshadow, who wanted to take away his quills in exchange for an aPhone. Redge ended up backing out of the agreement, but the wizard was mad. If I hadn’t come along at the right time, something really bad could’ve happened to him!
REDGE: Anything for an Acorn! That’s what I always say!
BEEVE: Oh, I wish you wouldn’t say that, Reginald.
REDGE: Y-y-y-you do?
JONATHAN: See? Here lies the problem.
REDGE: Whatever do you mean? Why?
BEEVE: Redge, Jonathan, may I share a quick story?
JONATHAN: Well that’s usually my job, but-
REDGE: We’d love nothing more!
BEEVE: Well alright! Here goes. This is the story of King Midas. Long ago lived King Midas, who was a very wealthy man. The richest King in the world. And the only thing he loved more than his gold…was…
KING: GETTING MORE GOLD! (laughter)
BEEVE: So, one day King Midas was in his vault, counting his money…one, two, three…
REDGE: He had to have more money than that!
JONATHAN: Sorry, Beeve, Redge loves to poke holes in stories.
BEEVE: Right. So maybe he was counting a little more than that…
KING: Three hundred and one, three hundred and two, three hundred and three…
REDGE: Much better.
BEEVE: And who should appear in his vault but a wizard!
REDGE: Just like with me today!
JONATHAN: Exactly.
BEEVE: And the wizard made King Midas an offer.
MIDAS’ WIZARD: Great King Midas, swimming in your piles of gold…would you like…to make a wish?!
BEEVE: Do you know what he wished for?
REDGE: Er…more gold?
BEEVE: Not just more gold, Redge.
KING: I want the power to touch ANYTHING and turn it to gold!!
REDGE: Wow. Resourceful.
JONATHAN: Wait for it…
BEEVE: So the King was granted his wish. Anything he touched would be turned to gold. And as soon as he got that wish, he touched his chair, and POOF (poof sound) the chair was made of solid gold. The king was delighted. But he was also thirsty, so he picked up his cup of water for a sip. But before the water could reach his lips, POOF (poof sound), the cup and its contents also turned to gold.
REDGE: Yikes.
BEEVE: Yikes indeed. The King couldn’t drink, so he instead grabbed a sandwich. What do you think happened then? GOLD. He grabbed a turkey leg from the table. Golden turkey leg. And after a couple more tries, some gold napkins, and golden grapes rolling around on the floor, he was flustered. He couldn’t drink nor eat.
JONATHAN: That sounds horrible.
KING: IT WAS HORRIBLE!
BEEVE: But the king was still very focused on enjoying his golden touch, so lightheaded, he moved on..
JONATHAN: This can’t end well.
BEEVE: You’re onto something, Jonathan. Because the King was in a frenzy, and what happened next was the worst. Into the dining room ran the King’s daughter, the princess. But because the King hadn’t had water, hadn’t eaten, and was reeling from all the gold mess, he wasn’t thinking straight. The princess ran right up to her father “Papa!” and he wrapped his arms around her and…
REDGE: POOF! (poof sound)
BEEVE: Exactly, Redge, the princess turned to solid gold. And she couldn’t move! The King didn’t want his daughter to be a statue!
JONATHAN: How horrible.
BEEVE: Just terrible. So the King called for the wizard to return.
KING: Help! Wizard, please take this golden touch away from me! It’s not a gift, it’s a curse!
BEEVE: He pleaded. And the wizard returned!
M’S WIZARD: Is returning to normal your wish, good King Midas?
KING: Yes! I’d rather have my daughter than ANY gold!
BEEVE: So the wizard told King Midas that he should run to the river and fill a pitcher with water, then pour the water on anything he wanted to undo the golden magic touch. And the King did it! He poured the water on his daughter’s head, then on the food and drink, and even on his chair, returning all the items he had turned to gold. After which, he and the princess enjoyed breakfast together. And the King learned his lesson—he was happier with his daughter more than he’d ever be with gold.
JONATHAN: Wow. So, Redge. Do you understand the moral?
REDGE: Yes I do! Gold stinks!
BEEVE: Close! The real lesson is that we should always remember what matters most to us, before it’s too late.
REDGE: Ohhhhhhh I get it. Kind of like how I was willing to give up my quills?
JONATHAN: Exactly, Redge. What matters most to you?
REDGE: Well, I suppose I enjoy being with you Jonathan. And stories. And I’ve really appreciated getting to learn from you, Mr. Beeve Hogs.
BEEVE: I’ve enjoyed it too, Redge. In fact, I’ve enjoyed it so much that it just reminded me of something. I have an extra new aPhone right here. Would you like to have it?
REDGE: Oh my goodness, REALLY?!
BEEVE: Really.
REDGE: Thank you, thank you so much, Beeve Hogs. But I promise I’ll never forget what REALLY matters. Like the friends I get to text with this incredible gift.
BEEVE: That’s the spirit!
REDGE: Before we go… may I also ask you just one question?
BEEVE: Of course!
REDGE: I always thought, because you were called Beeve, that you’d be a …Beaver.
JONATHAN: Redge!
BEEVE: That’s alright, Jonathan. Actually, because I was such a great swimmer as a little piglet, my family gave me the nickname Beeve. Since Beaver’s are also EXCELLENT swimmers.
REDGE: Ohhh that makes sense!
JONATHAN: I never knew that! So, what’s your actual name?
BEEVE: Well, funny you should ask that, my friend. My real first name is…Jonathan.
REDGE/JONATHAN: Not again!
Their laughter fades as the episode ends.
JONATHAN CORMUR: This has been a Jonincharacter production. Today’s story was written by Amy Thompson, edited by Molly Murphy and performed by Jonathan Cormur. Sound recording and production by Jermaine Hamilton at Hamilton Studios. Reach out to us on Instagram or email us at dorktalesstorytime@gmail.com. Find links in the show notes or go to dorktalesstorytime.com. Now, go be the hero of your own story and we’ll see you next once-upon-a-time!
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