JONATHAN CORMUR: Hello Dork Squad. I'm Jonathan Cormur and you're listening to Dorktales Storytime, the podcast for kids and their pop culture-loving grown-ups.
THEME SONG: It's a beautiful day for a story, adventure and glory, new friends and old ones too. It's an excellent day to get swept away in a tail, so let us regale you.
REDGE: Ah yes! What a lovely day it is today. The sun’s ‘a shining, the birds ‘a chirping, and (tummy growl) my tummy is ‘a grumblin’. Oh dear… I need to get some snacks ASAP. And where is that Jonathan? He should’ve been back by now. Well, let’s see… what does he have in this pantry….artichoke sticks? (Jonathan to make a sniffing sound) oof too stinky! Hmmm… Lemon pepper pretzels…sounds interesting. (The sound of crunching) Nom nom nom…oh oh no no, too sour. Yuck. Where are all the good snacks? (Tummy growl) Oh dear. I must get something in this tummy soon or I will just waste away to nothing!
REDGE: Ah…but what is this? Can it be? Oh, don’t tell me. A super deluxe chocolatey of chocolate fudge brownie from the fudgery of fudge factory, all wrapped in the sweetest of goodness?! This is exactly what my heart and my tum-tum desire at a time like this! I MUST take a bite!
(Sound of Jonathan swiping the brownie from Redge)
JONATHAN: Not so fast Mr. Redge! That is my brownie and you can’t have it!
REDGE: (Startled) Oh bother! Jonathan? When did you get back?
JONATHAN: Just now. And good thing I did. Because you were about to eat something that isn’t yours and you weren’t going to ask me first.
REDGE: Well…I…uhhh…that isn’t necessarily true…I just…
JONATHAN: You just…
REDGE: I just wanted to make sure that all of your snacks were still in good taste and not expired and…and uhhh…and that they didn’t have any poison in them.
JONATHAN: Poison, huh?
REDGE: Yes! I wanted to make sure that this super deluxe chocolatey chocolate fudge brownie from the fudgery of fudge factory was not full of poison and to do that I needed to taste test it first. Yes, taste it to see if (melodramatic acting) the brownie was going to make my friend sick! I thought it would be best to, you know, sacrifice myself first for the sake of you and the brownie. It was going to be a heroic act of kindness for you…my dear, dear friend Jonathan. (Tummy growl)
JONATHAN: Mmhmm. Give me the brownie Redge. You should know by now that if you wanted some of my snacks, all you had to do was ask.
REDGE: But you were nowhere to be found. And I felt my stomach ROARING!
JONATHAN: I was around the corner. I was coming right back.
REDGE: Well it seemed like an eternity.
JONATHAN: I was at the store grabbing some ice cream to go along with my brownie and I was going to ask if you would like to make a sundae with me but since you tried to get to the brownie before me, maybe I’ll just keep it for myself.
REDGE: Well, mate. I’m sure that your long trek to the grocery store was a tiresome one. Might I offer to rub your feet or maybe shine your shoes? How about I get you a glass of sparkling water to go with your delicious and decadent sundae…
JONATHAN: Redge, you don’t have to bribe me to get a piece of the…
REDGE: Bribe? Noo..noooo..no bribe. Just a lowly, friendly ...hungry but caring hedgehog helping his friend after a long trip to the store.
JONATHAN: It was a 10-minute trip…
REDGE: A long and treacherous journey out in the wild…
JONATHAN: I told you it was around the corner…
REDGE: Into the unkowwnnnnn!!!!
JONATHAN: Nice pipes! But you know you could just apologize and we could move on…
REDGE: Sigh..fine. I’m sorry for rummaging through your pantry.
JONATHAN: And?
REDGE: And…for snacking on your snacks without asking…
JONATHAN: See, was that so hard?
REDGE: No…no it wasn’t. (tummy growling)
JONATHAN: I forgive you. Now go grab a bowl and I’ll start working on your sundae.
REDGE: Huzzah!
(A knock on the door)
JONATHAN: Coming!! (sound of a door opening) Oh hello! Goldiquills! What are you doing here?
GQ: Oh em gee! I like totally need some help!
JONATHAN: What’s going on?
GQ: I went out shopping because I needed to get a new outfit for the Baylor Quick New Decades tour.
REDGE: Do you mean the ultimate queen girly of pop who just became Once Upon a Time’s feline of the year?
GQ: Yeah! She’s like totally fierce.
REDGE: Like Sasha Fierce!
JONATHAN: Who’s that?
GQ: The Renaissance Queen! If you don’t know her then you gotta get to the left!
I totally went on like a shopping spree. But like when I came back to my house something didn’t like feel 100% right and like I needed someone to come with me to check it out.
JONATHAN: I mean I can go with you…what exactly didn’t feel right?
GQ: Like IDK…I think I just need another set of eyes.
REDGE: Here’s a pair of glasses if you need them!
JONATHAN: No Mr. Redge, she means that she needs a friend to help her look around. Two pairs of eyes are better than one. I’ll come with you.
GQ: It’s nice to have a friend.
JONATHAN: Mr. Redge, I’ll be back. You can eat half of the ice cream and HALF of the brownie. But that’s it! Nothing more.
REDGE: Don’t worry my dear friend. You will have a luscious sundae waiting for you when you get back. Happy traveling!
JONATHAN: Okay Goldiquills! Show me the way.
(opening and closing of door)
GQ: It’s not that far. Just around this corner and down this path. Be careful on the cobblestone road.
JONATHAN: You got it!
GQ: Once we get to the bottom of this path, my home is to the right.
JONATHAN: Im following right behind ya.
GQ: See look! Now I know I did not leave my door open and I can see from here that it's ajar!
JONATHAN: Well let me go in first and scope it out and make sure no one is inside that can jump out and scare us.
GQ: I hope there’s not like…an intruder in my house!
JONATHAN: Stay right here. (Door creaks open) Hellloooo!!!! Anyone in here?? Anyone!? No? I’m coming in! (Yelling back to GQ) Looks like the coast is clear GoldiQuills!
GQ: Comingggg!
Okay, soooo my flowers are all in the same spot which is great. The windows are still closed it seems… Hmmm… But look across the room. There’s something off about my clothing rack.
JONATHAN: What do you mean?
GQ: IDK, but it’s like leaning to the right you see? Look.
JONATHAN: Well maybe it’s just lopsided. I can fix that. All we have to do is move your jackets around evenly and it won’t lean to the side anymore. See, like this! Fixed it!....Oh not quite.
GQ: Why is it leaning like that?
JONATHAN: I’m not quite sure. Let's move things around and–
Oh, wait a minute, there’s something in this one pocket. Let me see…Goldiquills, do you like to collect… ummm rocks and rubbish? This one jacket pocket seems to be full of it and it’s causing your coat rack to lean.
GQ: Like what??
JONATHAN: In this pocket, look! It’s full of rocks and trash and a whole bunch of other things.
GQ: I totally did not put that there!
JONATHAN: Well who did?
GQ: IDK! But let’s trash all of that.
JONATHAN: Trashing it now!
GQ: Gasp! And look! My shoes…
JONATHAN: I love that you have a sneaker wall. That’s pretty cool.
GQ: Very cool but like I spend a lot of time lining my sneakers up neatly so that they will fit nicely and look presentable. But the Styles 5 is facing the wrong direction. They are all supposed to face in one direction. Someone was in here touching my shoes!
JONATHAN: Are you sure you didn’t put it that way by accident?
GQ: Oh I’m sure. Ughhhh…let me fix it. There! All better.
JONATHAN: That was easy. Goldiquills, I’m starting to think that maybe you did all of this and somehow forgot that you did. I don’t think anyone is in here…
(Rustling noise out back)
GQ: Wait! Shhhhh! What was that noise?
JONATHAN: What noise?
(Rustling continues)
GQ: That noise! It’s coming from the backyard! Follow me!
Who’s out here? Where are you? Like come on out, I know you’re out here because I can hear you!
JONATHAN: I don’t think any…
GQ: Sssshhhhhh! I’m trying to hear where the noise is coming from. Are you under here?? Gotcha! Nope, nothing…Hmmmm are you in the bushes?? Ah ha!! Got it! Nope…no one.
JONATHAN: Uhhh..Goldiquills…? I think I found what you were looking for.
GQ: What? Where?
JONATHAN: Look here…
GQ: (Scream/screlt/gasp/dealer’s choice) What is this? Who are you? Why are you rummaging through my garbage?!?!?!
FRANK RUBBISH: (Inaudible but frightened murmurings)
GQ: Get out! Out I say! Out of my yard!
JONATHAN: Hey, hey Goldquills…ummm…maybe that’s not the best way to talk to our new friend?
GQ: New friend?? This raccoon going through my trash…is like not my friend and he’s giving me the ick and I want him gone.
JONATHAN: Well Goldiquills, not too long ago you went through someone’s home without asking remember? The bears? Let’s show a little grace, shall we?
GQ: You’re right...I shouldn’t have done that. But I don’t want anyone to do that to me!
JONATHAN: I understand, let’s see if we can lend a helping hand… look he’s shaking and it's not even cold outside…he’s probably scared…come here little buddy it’s okay. Uhhh who are you?
FRANK: (Southern accent) Howdy, my name is Frank…Frank Rubbish and ummm I’m from a little ways down south.
JONATHAN: Hi Frank! I’m Jonathan and this is Goldiquills!
GQ: Like hi!
FRANK: A couple of my buddies and I are in a band called PossumPact and we were here in town for a gig…Somehow I got separated from them, and then my Acorn Phone died. I was trying to find my way back…
GQ: And you just like ended up in my home?!
FRANK: No you see, I was rambling down the path and the door was open and I thought someone was inside who could help. I knocked like a woodpecker knockin’ on a tree, and no one answered. So I came ‘round back to find someone.
JONATHAN: So you’ve just been hanging out back here ever since?
FRANK: Well I saw that there jacket in the back and I was hoping it had some kind of identification in the pockets so that I could call for directions.
JONATHAN: That’s smart!
FRANK: But the pockets were empty. And I didn’t want to just leave the jacket out here. It’s a very nice jacket–
GQ: Thanks, it’s a Baylor Quick fan squad jacket.
FRANK: And it’s mighty fine, just like a frog on a lilypad.
I decided to hang it back up but as you can see I’m one of those small folk, so I had to drag it from the back of the house to the front to get it up on the coat rack. I sure do hope I didn’t mess it up too much!
JONATHAN: Goldiquills, that’s why there was all that rubbish in the pockets from earlier. See, Frank didn’t mean any harm by it! He was just putting it back where he thought the coat belonged.
GQ: Yeah well…like…thank you for that. I guess I didn’t realize I’d left my coat out here earlier. Clearly, I was in a rush since I left the door open too. That’s my bad.
FRANK: While I was trying to put the coat back, I accidentally knocked over your sneaker wall too. I’m as clumsy as a horse on ice skates. But I put all the shoes back where they were… I think…
GQ: I mean like…yeah you did…all but one. But I guess it’s fine.
FRANK: So sorry about that…
GQ: Apology accepted. I also should like apologize too. I didn’t mean to get so angry when I first saw you. I was startled and didn’t know what to think when I saw you going through my trash.
FRANK: No need to apologize. I’m sorry I made my way into your home. I can be on my way now to get out of your hair.
But can I ask, now that y'all are here and we’re all acquainted…Could you help find my buddies? We have a show tonight and that drum kit is not gonna play itself.
JONATHAN: Oh you play the drums?
FRANK: Sure do! Been playin’ since I was ten.
JONATHAN: I LOVE music!
FRANK: Do you play?
JONATHAN: I’m not too shabby on the kazoo!
GQ: Well! Like I’m not the instrument type but I can hum a little tune. (hums a Taylor Swift tune)
FRANK: Well that’s good to know, maybe next time we’re passing through we can get you two up on the stage!
JONATHAN: I would love that. Do you happen to know any of your band buddies' phone numbers by heart?
FRANK: I sure do.
JONATHAN: Here you can use my phone.
FRANK: Oh thank you kindly! Hopefully, they’ll answer…(phone ringing) Helloo? Rax! Where are yall? Down by the river? Next to the big boat with a big star on it? Okay, I will find my way there. See ya soon, hopefully. Buh bye. Any idea where the river is?
GQ: I know exactly where that is. I can totally take you.
FRANK: You sure? That would be as hospitable as a coyote sharing its den.
GQ: I totally got you. But first, let me say, sorry again for earlier. I was just startled, I didn’t mean to like scare you or anything.
FRANK: You are fine Miss Lady. I’m sorry for intruding. Sometimes my rummaging ways get me into a bit of a bind, no matter how well-intentioned I am. But I do appreciate the hospitality, reminds me of home.
JONATHAN: Looks like this all worked out! Goldquills, you’re alright to take Mr. Frank Rubbish to find his friends?
GQ: Sure thing. It’s the least I can do. You helped me today and were so kind to come down here with me so I should totally like… pass on the kindness.
JONATHAN: Sounds good to me. It was lovely meeting you, Frank.
FRANK: Likewise!
JONATHAN: Til’ next time Goldiquills.
GQ: Totes McGotes! Alright, Frankie…let’s get you down to the river.
FRANK: You know, you have a mighty nice accent.
GQ: So do you. Where do you, like, say you were from again?
FRANK: Oh in a little town south of the Folktale Forest. Located in…say, have you ever heard of the Whimsy Woods?
(sound of door opening)
JONATHAN: Mr. Redge! I’m backkkkk!
REDGE: Oh hello friend! How was your journey?
JONATHAN: I was able to help Goldiquills and made a new friend.
REDGE: A new friend, you say? How lovely!
JONATHAN: It is very lovely. But not as lovely as my brownie sundae! I’ve been looking forward to it all day.
REDGE: Umm…so about your sundae….
JONATHAN: Mr. Redge! Did you eat my half of the brownie and all the ice cream!?!?! Please say you didn’t!
REDGE: No no no, I didn’t. I did the opposite.
JONATHAN: What do you mean?
REDGE: Well…I felt bad about going through your snacks earlier so I went down to the grocery store to buy you some more. I brought you extra toppings! Butterscotch balls and sprinkles and mini cherry toppers!
JONATHAN: Oh Redge! Thank you. That was very kind of you.
REDGE: It’s the least I could do for you, Jonathan. I’ve learned a great lesson about taking things that aren’t mine and rummaging around in your stuff without asking.
JONATHAN: Huh. Just like Frank and Goldiquills…
REDGE: Oh? Did they also learn one shouldn’t do that?
JONATHAN: They did. But we also learned to be more understanding and forgiving of others. I know you were just hungry Redge, and I would never hold something like this against you. Thank you for seeing where I’m coming from too!
REDGE: You bet, mate!
JONATHAN: Let's go decorate our sundaes now!
REDGE: YIPPEE!
JONATHAN: Wow you got so many amazing toppings!
REDGE: What are you going to add?
JONATHAN: Hmm..maybe some, blueberries..and chocolate chips…and rainbow sprinkles…
REDGE: I LOVE RAINBOW SPRINKLES!
JONATHAN: Me too!
REDGE: Yummyyyyy! Do we have any whipped cream..?
JONATHAN CORMUR: This has been a Jonincharacter production. This story was written by Melissa Victor, edited by Molly Murphy, and performed by Jonathan Cormur. Sound recording and production by Jermaine Hamilton at Hamilton Studio Recordings. Reach out to us on Instagram or email us at dorktalesstorytime@gmail.com. Find links in the show notes or go to dorktalesstorytime.com. Now, go be the hero of your own story and we’ll see you next once-upon-a-time!
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